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Toll Booth Willie is an audio comedy skit for Adam Sandler's 1993 album They're All Gonna Laugh At You! It is about a toll booth man named Willie who gets verbally abused by passengers who pay the toll in Worcester, Massachusetts.
- Willie: Welcome to Worcester. Dollar twenty five, please.
- Passenger 1: Hey! How you doing, Toll Booth Willie?
- Willie: Good! Thanks for asking, pop!
- Passenger 1: Oh, that's great, you know, considering you're a fucking idiot.
- Willie: Go fuck yourself, you son of a bitch! I'll come right out of the booth and fucking whack you, you fucking prick!
- Passenger 2: Hey, hey, Willie! How's it going?
- Willie: Hey, can't complain, pop. How's 'bout you?
- Passenger 2: Oh, great, great. How much?
- Willie: The state charges a dollar twenty five, pop.
- Passenger 2: That's fine. Now, should I give you the money or should I shove the quarters directly up your fat ass? Hee-hee!
- Willie: Why, you fucking hard-on! I'll fucking Carlton Fisk your fucking head with a Louisville fucking slugger! What do you think of that, ass-fuck!?
- Passenger 3: Hi, Willie.
- Willie: Oh, nice to see you, ma'am. Not a bad day, huh?
- Passenger 3: Well, I'm a little lost. Could you help me out? I hear you're the best with directions.
- Willie: Well, I know my way around New England, I can tell you that much. So, where you headed?
- Passenger 3: Well, I was just wondering exactly which is the best way to drive up your ass? You know, if you'd tell me, I appreciate it, you fucking prick.
- Willie: You fucking bitch! Fuck you! You forgot to pay the fucking toll, you dirty whore! I'll fucking drop you with a boot to your fucking skull, you cum-guzzling queen!
- Passenger 4: Hey, Willie.
- Willie: Hey, how are you?
- Passenger 4: Here's a dollar twenty five and go fuck yourself.
- Willie: Yeah, you fucking prick! I hope you choke on a fucking bottle cap, you fucking son of a fuck! Eat shit! Eat my shit!!
- Bishop Nelson: Hello, Willie. Good to see you.
- Willie: Ah, Bishop Nelson. Nice to see you. That was quite a sermon you had the other day.
- Bishop Nelson: Hey, well, I do my best.
- Willie: Dollar twenty five, Bishop.
- Bishop Nelson: Dollar twenty five, Willie? Isn't that the same price your mother charges for a blowjob, you piece of dog-shit?
- Willie: Oh, have another one, you fucking lush! It's not my fault the bartender cut you off last night, you fucking douchebag!
- Passenger 5: Hey!
- Willie: Well, hey!
- Passenger 5: Yeah, do you want the money or should I just shove the quarters directly up your fat ass?
- Willie: We-he-ell, I already heard that one, you fucking unoriginal bastard! Go suck a cock, you piece of fucking, repeating, shit!
- Passenger 6: Hi!
- Willie: Oh, hi, how are you?
- Passenger 6: Fine, thank you. How much is the toll, please?
- Willie: For you, sweetheart, it's a dollar twenty five.
- Passenger 6: Here you go. Thank you.
- Willie: Hey, hey, honey! Would you like a receipt with that?
- Passenger 6: Oh, I almost forgot. Thank you so much.
- Willie: And, here you are.
- Passenger 6: Um, do you think you can sign it?
- Willie: Uh, sign it?
- Passenger 6: Yeah, sign "Toll Booth Willie was here".
- Willie: Okay, sure. Uh, by the way, what is this for?
- Passenger 6: Just so I could have proof for my friends that I met the "biggest fucking dip-shit with the smallest dick alive". You'd understand.
- Willie: Fuck you, you fucking, uppity, bitch! I'll fucking fuck you and all your lesbian, fish-eating friends in front of your fucking mothers! You're gonna die, bitch! I'm coming out of the BOOTH! [Leg gets struck by car] OW, MY FUCKING LEG!
- Passenger 7: Hey, you ran over Toll Booth Willie!
- Passenger 8: Oh, my God! I was always wondering what it would be like to run over a dried-up, stinky, dick-licker.
- Willie: Why, you fucking pricks! I fucking hear every fucking word you're saying! When this fucking leg heals, I'm gonna kick you guys new fucking assholes! Fuck you, you motherfuckers! I swear, when this fucking heals, I'll see you at the hospital!
- Passenger 8: Fuck you, Willie! Fuck off! Whoo-hoo-hoo! Fucking Willie, you big bitch!
- Passenger 7: Go fuck yourself, Willie! Go fuck yourself, you piece of shit! Suck a cock, Willie! You piece of crap!
- Adam Sandler - Willie
- Rob Schineider - Passengers 1 and 7
- David Spade - Passengers 2 and 8
- Conan O' Brien - Passenger 4
- Tim Meadows - Passenger 5
- Jennifer Lien - Passenger 6