- Adam Sandler: And now, the Buffoon's date at the drive-in with the school's valedictorian.
- Valedictorian: I really appreciate you asking me out. Most people are intimidated by my high academic achievement.
- Michael: This movie sucks shit!
- Valedictorian: Well, Ebert gave it thumbs up, but Siskel thought it was too preachy. Anyway, I liked the director's last film immensely.
- Michael: Kathleen Turner has big fucking tits!
- Valedictorian: Well, she recently had a child.
- Michael: I put a firecracker in a bullfrog's mouth and blew his fucking head off!
- Valedictorian: Well, in psychology, we learned that it is not uncommon for male adolescents to commit savage acts on animals as part of the maturing process.
- Michael: That girl in the fucking car in front of us, she gives everybody head.
- Valedictorian: Well, I guess she's strong for attention and she feels promiscuity is the only way to obtain it.
- Michael: This popcorn's fucking terrible. It tastes like someone jizzed all over it.
- Valedictorian: Well, the amount of semen on this popcorn is certainly disturbing. Perhaps
- Michael: I looked at my asshole in the mirror today! It blew my fucking mind!
- Valedictorian: It's ironic that parts on ones own body
- Michael: My father's shit stinks up the bathroom all fucking day!
- Valedictorian: It's puzzling why one person's fecal matter can be overpowering than anothers'.
- Michael: I'm gonna get head from that fucking girl!
- Valedictorian: While I'm sorry to see the day come to an abrupt conclusion,
- Michael: I like to piss in that guy's fucking gas tank!
- Valedictorian: Bye-bye, have fun!
- Adam Sandler as Adam Sandler, Michael
- Jennifer Lien as The Valedictorian
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