- Adam Sandler: And now, a Buffoon's meeting with the dean of admissions at a prestigious college.
- Dean: Well, Michael, I'd like to extend my warmest congratulations on your upcoming graduation. And I understand you're interested in matriculating here in the fall.
- Michael: I got a snake, man!
- Dean: Yes. Pets are welcome on campus. Be it the traditional dog or cat, or even the occasional reptile.
- Michael: One time, I fed it some beer, man. It was slithering this way and that. It was all fucked up!
- Dean: I'm sure it was. Well, we discourage inappropriate drinking among both students and pets here on campus.
- Michael: Fucking shit!
- Dean: Yes. That's a not uncommon reaction to this policy. So, tell me a little bit more about your background.
- Michael: My father's a fucking asshole, man!
- Dean: Hmm, I see. Your feelings of rebellion are not unusual at your age, son.
- Michael: My mother's a piece of shit, too!
- Dean: Well, I hope you can find an outlet for your hostility during the summer, so you can come to school in the fall, relaxed and ready to learn.
- Michael: My teacher in high school was a stupid bitch, man! She had her head way up her ass!
- Dean: Well, the quality of the faculty of the university far exceeds that of a local, public high school.
- Michael: Your secretary's a real fat bitch, man!
- Dean: Yes, she's tried many diets over the years, with minimal success.
- Michael: I had diarrhea last month. I had to shit all fucking day!
- Dean: Uh-huh. Well, we all get the occasional stomach bug. Never a pleasurable experience. So, have you given any thoughts to your choice of major?
- Michael: I got a big fucking boner right now!
- Dean: Hmmm, I see. Well, sexual arousal is not uncommon during periods of nervous tension. I do not take offense.
- Michael: One time, I ate my neighbor's shit!
- Dean: That's understandable. Well, I enjoyed meeting you and we'll be sending you our decision by the end of our month.
- Michael: I bet you've got really hairy balls!
- Dean: Yes, it's a veritable forest down there. Bye-bye!
- Adam Sandler as Adam Sandler, Michael
- Conan O'Brien as Dean
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