The Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donnie

The Psychotic Legend of Uncle Donnie is an audio sketch from Stan And Judy's Kid. It shows a New England drunk known as Uncle Donnie with his three nephews, Petey, Al and Johnny, who were testing out a stolen boat and water ski at Lake Winnisquam.

Dialogue

 * Petey: Holy shit, this boat is sweet, Uncle Donnie!
 * Donnie: Well, you like it, do you?
 * Al: It's fucking awesome, Donnie.
 * Donnie: That's right.
 * Al: Must be fast as shit!
 * Donnie: Oh, fuck yeah. This fucking boat's got more balls than the fucking Celtics' locker room.
 * Johnny: Yeah, but, it must have cost you like 50 Gs or something.
 * Donnie: One might think that. But, guess what? It didn't cost me jack-shit.
 * Johnny: What do you mean?
 * Donnie: I stole it out of a Winter Storage parking lot.
 * Johnny: No fucking way!
 * Petey: Are you fucking shitting me?
 * Donnie: No. Paint jobs, handlers, a license, and bingo! Here we are, sunny-time.
 * Petey: Oh, yeah. The sun is wicked fucking hot. I had to stop drinking, or I was gonna pass out.
 * Johnny: Oh, yeah. I didn't eat all day. I'm extra fucking buzz.
 * Donnie: Alright, you fucking lightweights. Are you gonna water-ski or you gonna slide your fucking tampons in?
 * Johnny: Alright, Donnie.
 * Al: Peter, you go first. You are good at this shit.
 * Donnie: Okay.. you go.. Just in the fucking water, you pussy, or I'll drag this fucking bottle of Bacardi over here! Here's you fucking go! Who gives a fuck!? [Splash]
 * Petey: Hey, it's not bad! The water's warm!
 * Donnie: Shit-head, one ski or two?
 * Petey: I'll try one. What the fuck?
 * Donnie: Okay, hot-shot. Al, can you fucking take your head out of your ass for a minute, throw him a fucking ski?
 * Al: Alright, here you go.
 * Johnny: Nice catch, Petey!
 * Petey: Thanks, buddy! Okay, it's on, I'm ready!
 * Donnie: Well, you need the rope, don't you, you fucking ding-a-ling?
 * Al: Johnny, throw him the rope.
 * Johnny: Here you go.
 * Petey: Got it!
 * Donnie: Alright, let me straighten the fucking rope out and it's go time!
 * Al: Good luck, Peter.
 * Johnny: Let's do it, Petey!
 * Al: Have fun!
 * Johnny: You can get it!
 * Petey: Alright! Don't fucking do this!
 * Donnie: What do you think, fellas? Is he gonna get up first try or is he gonna stumble at the start-gate?
 * Al: Oh, he's getting up. Definitely.
 * Johnny: Oh, yeah. Petey's good at everything.
 * Donnie: Oh, yeah? Well, cheers to the fucking shtud, then. Slàinte! [Drinks shot of rum]
 * Johnny: Jesus, Donnie. What was that? Like, the eleventh shot of rum?
 * Donnie: How's this? Don't count! Only a fucking old woman counts.
 * Johnny: Okay, Donnie. Let go of my arm.
 * Donnie: Ya, that's what I thought you'd say, pecker-head.
 * Johnny: Geez.
 * Al: Donnie, the line's straight.
 * Donnie: Alright, brainiac. Thanks for the info. YOU READY BACK THERE!?
 * Petey: YEAH! HIT IT!
 * Donnie: "Hit it." Alright. Hang on, fellas.
 * Johnny: Hold on. Yes. Yeah, yeah, yeah! He's up!
 * Petey: I did it!
 * Al: He wiped out.
 * Johnny: Uncle Donnie, he wiped out. Let's go get him.
 * Al: He let go of the rope.
 * Donnie: He fucking hate it?
 * Al: Yes. Go get it.
 * Donnie: I thought he was supposed to be good at this.
 * Al: He almost got it.
 * Johnny: Yeah, he did.
 * Donnie: Oh, my God! Look at the spaz flashing around after his ski! I love it.
 * Al: Nice try, Petey. Are you alright?
 * Petey: I'm fine. Give me another try.
 * Donnie: Hey, I thought you were good at this, big guy.
 * Petey: I know, I know. I lost my balance. Okay? I'll get it this time.
 * Donnie: Okay. Hey, is your ski back on?
 * Petey: Oh, yeah! I'm ready! Come on. WHOOO! Let's go, Donnie!
 * Donnie: Easy, party animal. Let me bring you the fucking rope.
 * Petey: This water's awesome! This fucking water is awesome!
 * Donnie: Fuck! This fucking rope is a pain in the ass!
 * Johnny: Don't worry, Donnie. Take your time.
 * Donnie: SHIT! Fuck this shit! FUCK! Let me fucking try a little reverse action here.
 * Al: Hey, Donnie, you're getting a little close to Petey.
 * Petey: Slow down, Donnie! Hey, hey, Donnie, slow down!
 * Johnny: Donnie, stop!
 * Petey: Ow, my leg!
 * Al: Cut the motor, Donnie! Cut the motor, already!
 * Donnie: Yeah?
 * Johnny: You ran over Petey, DON! CUT THE FUCKING MOTOR!
 * Petey: HOLY FUCK! My leg's off my body!
 * Al: God, he lost his fucking leg!
 * Donnie: What?
 * Al: Grab the rope!
 * Donnie: What'd you do, stick your leg into the motor, moron?
 * Petey: You ran me over, you sick fuck!
 * Donnie: Hey, hey, hey! Don't make this my fault. You fucking wiped out, not me.
 * Al: Who gives a shit on whose fault it was!?
 * Donnie: Johnny, one ski. I'm just saying, I didn't fucking do this.
 * Al: Who gives a shit!?
 * Johnny: Oh, my God!
 * Donnie: What are we gonna do, now?
 * Al: What do you mean? Let's get him in the fucking boat.
 * Petey: Come on!
 * Donnie: Oh, boy.
 * Petey: Please! Help me! Come on and pick me up, you fucking drunk! I'm bleeding to death!
 * Johnny: Just calm down, Petey.
 * Donnie: He's fucking in a panic. Listen, I know what to do. A little reverse action.
 * Al: What are you doing?
 * Donnie: Relax.
 * Johnny: Oh, God! Stop!
 * Al: Donnie, stop!
 * Johnny: Stop, Donnie! My God! He's dead. He's fucking dead!
 * Donnie: Fuck yeah, he is.
 * Johnny: Jesum Crowe, Donnie!
 * Donnie: So what?
 * Al: You killed him. You killed Petey!
 * Donnie: I fucking put him out of his misery. He was gonna die anyways.
 * Al: What?
 * Johnny: Goddamn it, Donnie!
 * Al: He could have lived?
 * Donnie: With one leg, Petey? With one leg.
 * Johnny: That is fucked up!
 * Donnie: He couldn't have lived like that. He was an athlete. That's like taking away, uh, a horse's cock. That's all he had.
 * Johnny: Fuck you, Donnie. You were wrong.
 * Al: Look at his fucking blood everywhere!
 * Donnie: Well, that's your opinion. But, I don't want to talk about, okay? Let's drink to the death. To Petey. May he grow an even better and less hairy leg in heaven! Slàinte! [Drinks 12th shot of rum] Alright, who's next? Plenty of steam left on this glorious, sunny day.
 * Al: I ain't skiing.
 * Johnny: Take us to shore, Donnie.
 * Donnie: And waste my day off filling out police files? Fuck that shit!
 * Johnny: Fucking Donnie-
 * Donnie: Let's at least enjoy the fucking lake in it's beauty. I insist. Al, jump in. Al, jump in or I'll break that stack of dimes neck of yours. Either way.
 * Al: What the fuck's happening here?
 * Donnie: One lap around the lake, and then, we'll go home. I promise.
 * Johnny: Just do it, Al or he ain't never gonna take us back in.
 * Donnie: Bingo. Come on. You'll fucking love it. It's your first time, right?
 * Al: Yes!
 * Donnie: Oh, you don't sound too excited about it. Come on, you'll have a blast! Get the fuck out there!
 * Al: Let's just get this over with.
 * Donnie: Come on, you fucking nut sack! Throw him the ski!
 * Johnny: Hey!
 * Donnie: Throw him this one right here, its wide. Good for beginners.
 * Johnny: Al, here. Just calm down. Take the ski. It's gonna be alright.
 * Al: Left foot front, right foot back.
 * Donnie: Whatever fucking melts your butter. Come on.
 * Al: Okay, I'm ready, I'm ready!
 * Donnie: Okay, let's fucking straighten this bitch out, then it's blast-off time!
 * Johnny: One lap, then we're going in.
 * Donnie: Oh, is that what we're gonna do? Thanks for filling me in. YOU READY BACK THERE!?!
 * Al: Oh, God! I can't get Petey out of my head!
 * Donnie: Oh, fucking let it go. Listen, don't try to stand too quickly! Just lean back and let the boat pull you up!
 * Al: Alright, let's do it!
 * Donnie: Alright, then, hotshot! Here we go!
 * Johnny: Come on. Yes, he's up!
 * Donnie: Of course, he's up.
 * Johnny: Way to go, Al! YEAH! Oh, he's going outside the wake. Look at it!
 * Donnie: He's pretty good for a fucking novice. Let's see if he can handle some speed. [he speeds up the boat]
 * Johnny: Whoah. He looks scared shitless. I'd slow down, Donnie.
 * Al: SLOW DOWN! PLEASE SLOW DOWN!
 * Donnie: Look at fucking Eviel Knievel back there, getting some fucking air-time!
 * Johnny: He's too far right. He's gonna hit the docks!
 * Donnie: He'll be fine. He's a fucking natural out there.
 * Johnny: OH, GOD IN HEAVEN!
 * Donnie: Woah, that sounded fucking horrific.
 * Johnny: I heard his kneecaps fucking shatter from here!
 * Donnie: Ah, he played hockey. I'm sure he's alright.
 * Johnny: Al, are you alright? He's not moving, Donnie!
 * Donnie: He's faking it.
 * Johnny: He's not faking it, you asshole! He just plowed into a fucking solid wood wall at fifty-five miles per hour!
 * Donnie: Don't get all melodramatic on me, you fucking candy-ass thumb sucker!
 * Johnny: Ew!
 * Donnie: Fucking go help him out, then.
 * Johnny: I will!
 * Donnie: Slàinte! [Drinks shot]
 * Johnny: Al! Wake up, Al! Wake up!
 * Donnie: I got a wake up call for both you motherfuckers. It's called a little reverse action. Check it out!
 * Johnny: Don't you do this, Donnie!
 * Donnie: There you go, fucker!
 * Johnny: DON'T!
 * Donnie: Fuck you! Fuck off! I thought you were unconscious, Big Al! And I thought you were supposed to be a badass, Johnny!
 * Johnny: (Garbled) My last words on this planet are...
 * Donnie: Yeah?
 * Johnny: FUCK YOU, UNCLE DONNIE! YOU ARE GOING TO HELL!!!
 * Donnie: Oh, am I? Well, while I'm here, I might as well finish this bottle of Bacardi. Nice blowing it, you fucking assholes. Slàinte! [Drinks shot] Now what? Three dead bellyachers floating around the fucking water and me looking like the Lizzy Borden of Lake Winnisquam. Oh, my God. Here come the fucking boat fuzz, just my luck. What the fuck am I going to do to look a little less conspicuous? I'll just cut my fucking hand so I'll [Cuts hand with boat motor] There we go. Right through the bone there. Fucking look at the new stump, I love it.
 * Officer #1: Good afternoon.
 * Donnie: Hey, officers! How's Pickerel Cove going today? They fucking bitting or what?
 * Officer #1: What's going on, sir? You seem to be injured.
 * Donnie: Oh, this! I got to tell you, some fucking psycho just cut my fucking hand off and made limb stew out of those three mutilated fuckers floating around the boat, here. He's swimming that way if you ever want to fucking catch the bastard.
 * Officer #1: Sir, have you been drinking?
 * Donnie: I had a few chardonnays, what of it?
 * Officer #1: You're going to come with us.
 * Donnie: Alright, Sherlock Holmes. I killed them. But, you'll never catch me, because I'm the fastest fucking butterfly swimmer in the fucking world! Let's see if your boat's got any fucking horsepower, fuckers! Geronimo! [Giant splash]
 * Officer #1: What do you think we should do?
 * Officer #2: How about a little reverse action?
 * Officer #1: You've got it. [Injuring Donnie with boat motor] Man, this guy won't die.
 * Donnie: Fuck you! Oh, that one got me.

Voice Cast

 * Adam Sandler as Uncle Donnie
 * Allen Covert as Johnny
 * Peter Dante as Petey